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Swingers Club tours

What to expect at a Swingers Club!

So you think you want to go to a swingers club. You and your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/SO/mate have discussed it.  Have you just discussed it in bed? I hope that is not the only place. You should also discuss this lifestyle in the light of day, across from each other at the breakfast table (sans the kids of course) and talk about it out in the yard, on the way shopping, and NOT just the bedroom. The bedroom is never a good place to discuss anything important like sex! So what should you expect at the club?

swingers

Some swingers

We have hosted hundreds of new members at a swingers club we attend and have, over the years, come up with a standard introduction to club life to “newbies.” Our “talk” and club tour takes about 30-45 minutes (it’s a large club with a 20-person hot tub and 26 themed-private rooms and we visit all the rooms!) and we try our best to make the new couple feel at ease and comfortable.  Most do. Some, well this is not the lifestyle for everyone.

Now you have decided to attend a club. I will leave to another column on how to pick a good swingers club. There are some things you can do, should do and must do, but again, that is for later.  But let’s just say you decided you will check out a club and you have decided on one.  What’s next?

Before you leave the house, it is a good idea to dress to impress.  And boys, that means you too. Often we see couples where the female is dressed to the nine’s no matter her size  and the male looks like he forgot to comb his hair, clean his nails or pick a clean, wrinkle-free shirt. As the female, I detest men that are not clean and neat. You can be a Brad Pitt type guy or a John Candy type guy. The John Candy will be picked most times if he is clean and neat and the other is not! And humor goes a long way with me! Anyway…

At our club when you arrive you are checked in. At every club I have attended, they make you fill out an application. People, do not lie on this. They will check your pictured, state-issued ID. If your application and your ID do not match, red flags go up all over the place. And trust me when I say this, the clubs guard your identity with their life! You will be asked to pay a yearly dues at most clubs and then you will have to pay the party fee that can range anywhere from $30 to over $100 at some clubs. This mostly depends on what they offer by way of accommodations and food.  All the clubs we attend are BYOB. Check the rules of the club beforehand. Check either the club’s website or when you call to make your reservations. And no club will allow you without a reservation.

Once you pay your fees, you most likely will be given a name tag with your first name and the first name of your companion, if you are a couple. If you are a single (and talking about singles at swingers clubs is for yet another column) your first name will appear on the tag alone.

Usually, this tag will be used at the bar so the bartenders can identify your beverage. Most clubs that are BYOB provide mixers for drinks and is part of the party fee. Again, check with the club before you show up. For example, our club offers olives for martinis but do not carry onions for Gibson’s. So if you mix your drinks with something exotic that is non alcohol, bring that with you the first time, just to be safe.

Now you have paid and are ready for your tour. At the club we attend there are always a number of host couples, usually a husband and wife couple, but not always. Make sure your tour, if you are a couple, has a male and female as the guide. This way, both the new male and female has a respective gender to ask personal questions. My husband has no idea what is offered in the ladies room other than stalls and a shower. I do not know what is in the men’s room other than stalls, urinals and a shower! But we both know that at our club, all the rooms have supplied condoms!  See!? Plus, women and men always feel more comfortable asking like genders some personal questions at these clubs.

When we take the new couple around, we first ask them if they are new to the lifestyle and to clubs secondarily. Some people have been in the lifestyle but have never been in a swingers club. Some people are new to both. The latter are always the most nervous as they often are clueless and think clubs are one big orgy!  They are not!!!

We show our newbies (my husband takes the single males on the “single male tour” alone. Certain things need to be drummed into the heads of a lot of single males, and this will be mentioned in another column) where the restrooms are and that in our club the restrooms are the only NON-co-ed rooms in the club. We show them where the food buffet is and we tell them that our club has only one area where you can smoke!

We then try to put them at ease and tell them our club, like most if not all clubs, is a “NO MEANS NO” club. That is to say, if you say “no” to someone, they should respect that and move on. Ok, as people start to drink, that point sometimes becomes blurred. But we tell them there are both aggressive men AND women. You should know your host couple at every party, or the bartenders, and if someone gets out of hand, report the wrongdoers. Do not take it upon yourself if someone is bothering you, especially the female. We, as employees of the club, or security, will ask the offenders to leave or escort them out.

We then walk them around the private rooms and explain that if there are rooms with doors, lock them if they do not want to be disturbed. The rule at the club is members are not allowed to open doors or knock on doors but it sometimes happens. Better to lock the doors and be safe. We explain the different rooms and the 2 Sybian machines we have in the club.  Again, every room is supplied with condoms (and use the trash can) and tissues.

All along we ask if they have any questions. Some people do, some do not. It’s funny how we explain that more often than not, the male is all gung-ho as we take the tour, the female introverted into her shell. Then, by the end of the night, the female is down to her thong and heels, wowing it up and it is the male that is trying to re-robe her and getting her out of the club! It’s all good by then.

The last thing we tell new couples is that they should have a secret word between them, one not found in normal conversation (like “ostrich”), that lets the other know to STOP playing immediately! If one person utters that word, the other should stop what they are doing so the two of you can regroup. That has happened to us where one of us got the creeps once we were in a room. The word was spoken and we stopped, apologized to the other people and excused ourselves. It is better the other couple is a little upset or disappointed, than the two of you going home mad and/or maybe never trying this again.

So what to expect? Swingers are normal people. We do not have horns though we are more horny than most. We do not have orgies at the drop of the hat but many of us would not turn one down.  Just relax, find a “NO MEANS NO” club and sit back and watch. We tell new couples you do not have to do ANYTHING you do not want to do. For us personally, we visited the club 4 times before we did anything by ourselves! What were we thinking!! Go, enjoy, have a good time and decide if this lifestyle is for you or not.  If it is for you, do not let it be all encompassing. It is like everything else… all things in moderation!

And if you really want to show off, you can wear some awesomely sexy swingers jewelry from NippleCharms.com.  Show off, you know you want to!

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